Worth: What is Your Self Worth Based Off Of??

Let's Talk About It!!!
This will be very brief. I was soo down today but last night I was on the dance floor at BB Kings!!! What could have possibly happen within 24 freaken hrs??? Well now when my mood changes I take time to reflect, I ask myself questions. Why do I feel this way? Where is this coming from? How can I process these emotions into a message? I stopped and listened. It came to me. Every limitation given to me, I took it in and I stripped myself of my self worth...like taking stripes from a general when a rule was violated. Some situations I had no control over...but because of the end result, I based my self worth off of it. Hey I removed my stripes , it seems like, because I did not make the perfect decision. We have to stop these lies...challenge them!!! Your self worth is not based on how perfect you are or how many times you got it right without mistakes. Growth does come out of those situations we sometimes wish we could void. 

MY What Now!!!

God is sooo quick!!! So I shared an open journal in the previous blog...from there you will understand why this video of Iyanla Vanzant is so on time. All I can say is...Spiritual Code of Conduct!!!! I had no idea she spoke at the Essence Festival this year. I did not go but I received this message right on time...I am happy to share this with you. Watch video and enjoy!!!!

My Tuesday Journal for the Eyes to See...

Everyone has one of those slow silent days...

A slow silent day is a day your internal storm comes to the surface. It is a day you do not feel like talking to anyone. You don't want to share your body, you don't want to be touched. In fact you rather be true to your feelings. You rather feel what you are feeling at the moment. Yes...It is heavy. It can be dark but in this darkness there is a message. That message is...clearly what you are doing now is not working.  On this day everybody may want to take your mood personal. On this day in particular...you don't give a damn about anybody's feelings. 

When you get to this point, you have received directions that you did not follow along time ago. 

You have missed some opportunities you know could have changed your life. Fear and rationalizing...smh, when you have been right all along. At this point, this heaviness, this FEELING is familiar. You still feel the call on your life, like me, you may be a little angry because once again your back at this point...this feeling. Well, I will tell you what I am going to do.  The first step is to acknowledge that true feeling in your heart. 2nd,  then I can honestly ask my heart WHAT NOW?? 

 This time I will not rationalize...just take heed to the wisdom that flows within me.  

Weather Today: Cloudy, temps was in the mid 80's. The wind was nice.

Food: (Breakfast) Coffee and protein shake, (Lunch) Veggie medley with eggs and avocado toast, (Dinner) Peanut butter and chocolate protein smoothie (drinks) Lots of water, 2 cups of coffee, and 2 glasses of wine (still on my first glass of wine)

Workout: Cardio, abs, back, and legs

Stop the Negative Self Talk Ladies!!!!!

I Hope You Enjoy It!!! No to NEGATIVE SELF TALK!!!!!

Click here for a deeper break down of what I am talking about in this video. The source is my business blog but the issue is talked about in more detail specifically in this blog. 

Let make the rest of April Count Loves....Bring in May really good. We take one day at a time!! 

Black Women Depression and Anxiety: Meditation and Relaxation...a Must!!!!

How offended do we get when some tell us to shut up!!! Well...truth be told sometimes you have to tell yourself to just shhhhhhh!!! Hush now!!!

Okay we have those days when certain experiences reminds us of a mistake or an outcome that was not in our favor. Certain experiences acts as a cue for you to pull out your set back card...when you are in the midst of trying to evolve and do better. How many times have you decided I am going to be positive and let nothing stop me. I am going to love myself no matter what it takes....I will not be negative when it comes to myself. Well all it takes is an experience we can not control. An experience that takes you to a remembrance, a negative place. An experience that acts as a little reminder...I am here because you f*cked up royally!!! Does that song sound familiar? It may be a little harsh, but that is the reality. Why is it...you find yourself in the seat where you have to be the motivator sometimes...but that case what is good for the geese is not good for you the goose. We have to learn and we have to be patient with ourselves. Be patient, and understand yourself a little more each day. Okay shall we dig deeper? I think so too.

How do you handle a past that is hunting you in your present moment?

First of all you are stressing your self out!!! Prolong stress along has a whole list of ailments to add to your situation.  YOu have to learn how to quiet your mind. You have to tell yourself to hush!!! Seriously!!! I got tired of complaining about the same thing all the time. Another unsuccessful year and all I got to show for it is misery and the same damn song!!! My hopelessness, sadness, depression, anxiety, and stressing did not change sh*t!!! I was like what is the damn purpose for me even waking up if I am going to be a willing participant in doing this to myself!!! I  got into a community that was really heavy on meditating. Hell I just wanted to be fixed!!! I remember sharing with the teacher, that I felt like I was missing something, that there was a void in my life. After all the bs that went down, I was left to feeling numb. He simply said...stop telling yourself you have a void. Tell yourself you have everything you need. TELL yourself I AM WHOLE!!! Well...I use to say why would I tell my self sh*t I do not believe. Well one day I quiet my mind and shut down my negative thoughts and asked myself why...why not be happy? Why do I have to believe the damn worst...why? Why? I said I got a right! I have a God given right to chose to be okay. I can chose to okay and at peace with my own story! There is know brain surgery or life surgery to be performed. If I am going to do better, If I am going to heal, damn it!!! It is going to happen through this mind...this body of mind will be the vehicle. It is going to start with me!!!! I accept myself!!! I accept the part I play when I made mistakes. I accept the part I play as a student who has learned her damn lesson. I accept the part I play in loving every damn inch of me as I do this thing we call LIFE!!!!  It is a NEW DAWN A NEW DAY...thanks Nina Simone...cause I DO FEEL DAMN GOOD cuz I say so and I feel so...so BE IT!!!

Meditation for the anxiety and depression...

I inhale through the nose...hold for four count and exhale air through the mouth. I do it four times or more. I do it until I feel totally relaxed. My thoughts...my mind quiets down and then the work begins. I began to speak things over myself. By now I am very familiar with the bs i fed myself. I have named that so called the truth the very lie that it now is. I wanted to feel sad so the lie a fed myself made since. It made since to accept a lie as a truth then. But NOW...it will not do. Now is the time to speak your new improved and evolved thoughts over yourself. It will work...if you know in your heart you plan to stay alive. You plan to be better when it is all said and done. You do not need to know when it is going to get better...just KNOW...know that you are better. 

Meditation is simply breathing through the process....

Sis...that is the only proof you have! Your breath!!! I don't care how ugly it gets, how hard it get...the FACT IS the breath in your body means you have the life force with you. You must continue to breath in order to exist. Breathing through it is something you will do. Meditation is you just setting your intentions on a goal. You are focusing your mind on a goal. Your breath is the evidence of the life in you...supporting all that you are able to do on this earth as long as there is life in your body.  Your mindset is there. It can be positive or negative. Not so fixed like the breath in your body...without it...there is nothing...no life. Your mindset is there..your brain is wired up to support your mindset. It is our fault if we do not use the part of our brain that supports creating good feelings, and healthy good thoughts. Inhale and exhale just to support a weak system controlled by a negative mindset...why do that. Do that everyday for what? Why feed your body that? Why contribute that to the environment around you? Inhale and exhale...yes and speak over yourself the only things you will accept and expect from yourself. Be determined to not use another ounce of your breath...your life force to support a self defeating mindset. Why? No matter how tough life experiences are...for now, all you need to know is you will win and have a better understanding when it is all said and done. Quiet your mind, shut down the victim and raise up that warrior in you. Hell to the yesss....do the work be the women you already are. Greatness my dear. I am human. I black. I am beautiful inside and outside. I am courageous. I am here. I am bringing others up with me. BOOM!!!!

Anxiety and Depression: Today Is One of Those Days!!!!

Look, I never said I was there, today is one of those days!

I am one who has chosen to live on and do great things in life. I have chosen to evolve and grow beyond limitations I once believed in. Ladies I can't tell you how hard this is for me. I can tell you the journey has began, the more I fight against the change...the harder evolving is. The more I try to go back to my old ways, the more I see that is no longer acceptable to me...nor is looking back an option. I will share with you things I have learned so far.

•  If I allow stupid negative situations in my life...I have to make the changes to put me back on my path ASAP.
• I get depressed when I feel unproductive. 
• You must contribute a specific work to your path everyday. Even if there is no income involved you will feel very productive.
• You must continue to love yourself through this process. You can only do that when you respect the way you live your life.
• Do not downplay your inner successes just because others can not see what you see yet. Check yourself when you feel the need to be validated outside yourself.
• Again, only doing your life work will create the peace you need in your heart. 
• My healing means more to the people in my life than it means to me. Your healing is not just for the good of you only. 
• You're not always going to be in company where you are celebrated!!! Use that moment to celebrate yourself in your mind and your heart!!! No fake smiles baby!!! Well this blog is making me smile!
• When you are able to easily think of things that you love about yourself, it is just that easy to love others.
• Heart problems are real. Keep running your broken script in your head. Your body will follow your broken spirit.

Yes I chose to grow and stay on this path. Is it easy...sometimes it is and sometimes it is not. I am a sister that gave anxiety and depression too big of a place. Recognizing that I have to take responsibility for my current mindset is important. You can't spend a whole d*mn day in the feeling crappy zone!!! Man, God gives us everything we need...to even get up and move forward. I now understand why I feel the way I do. That is good...when you know the source of your current state mood or state of mind. Sometimes the little girl in us ladies, needs to be told, ummm...it's not that serious! Peace and blessings to you.

Anxiety and Depression: Issues with the Increase!!!

Issues with increase are expected, but move beyond that!!! 

You're wondering what issue with increase? When I bring it home, you will understand the point I am making. Okay sisters....when you are a newbie on your path to healing, it is not a walk in the park. You, working with healing in mind, will make certain opportunities flow your way. How you handle these opportunities is life's way of testing you. As a result of your work the test will come and you have the ability to pass that test. I may have lost you or some of you may follow me on this. This increase issue is something I am dealing with now...opportunities are presenting themselves to me. The things happening in my life is a result from the work and seeds I have sewn. But guess what, that old part of me sometime says, this is too hard, I wasn't ready for this, or I would ask, what have I done now. That is what I call issues with increase. Most of the time you will doubt yourself especially when your increase requires more of you.

I know you want a clear example of issues with increase, so here it goes.

Well, my comfort zone was no longer comfortable for me. I knew I wanted more out of life than handling every bad experience with increased anxiety and depression. Pity parties got old. Nothing I did as far as negatively dissecting my life circumstances was good enough to confine me in a box. I simply wanted out!!! I always said Lord, please heal me or take me away if this is how I have to live my life. I remember faith without works is dead. Faith. Well I began to ask myself what it is I use to really enjoy doing. I knew I was passionate about  my music first. I knew I wanted to inspire people dealing with my issues..A & D. I was passionate about being self employed..or working towards that. I wrote out my goals for my income. I wrote dates on when I would want certain projects to be completed. I included my spiritual goals, my shows, online business goals, health goals and etc. Now the work. Well I will share with you my music story.

I have always done things that I really wanted to do. I don't care how much anxiety I had..my mama was going to have me in church choirs and plays. I don't care how depress I was...I wanted to and was going to make rehearsal. So I have always song from a little girl up, jr. high, high school, and college. I was going to sing. If did a play...it must be a musical if my hands are in it. If not a musical I am singing somewhere. Music fueled me in a way I can't explain. That is the only thing I would lay down my issues for. So back to my start in singing professionally. 

Karaoke led me to being offered my first show in April 2013. I tried to get the a band together, I had no experience with that. I left that job to my dad...he is a musician and could get the band together for me. My dad knew what I needed to work on as far as my social skills, so waiting on him to do it meant the band never would come together.  Of course I was mad at my dad. Why? Well it's just easier to blame others sometimes instead of yourself. So another year went by and the desire to do my own shows never left me. Go figure!! I still did not have a band but I knew a great pool of jazz musicians from frequently visiting this spot called 1048. Best live music ever!!!! Whenever I would go to 1048 my dad would pull out his A game. He could care less about my anxiety!! Out loud on the mic in front of everyone, my dad insisted and begged for me to sing. My persistent no was crushed by him say "get your butt up here and sang nah!!" My heart would jump out of my chest...but darn it I would go. Those moments led me to go once or twice a year because I knew the routine. Umm hmm embarrassing me. Those few visits only lasted for a little while. Now a days, I go there at least 2-3 times a month. What singer can pass up singing with an awesome live jazz band. So with previous singing experiences and an undeniable passion for performing, karaoke at the Village Gallery, wasn't hard to get into. And there was no one to demand me to get my butt on stage and sang!!! It's funny how we push A & D aside to do the things we really want to do. As soon I got off stage, anxiety would be waiting on me so it could be worn like a skin tight jacket. So tight you can't even raise your arm. Now back to the band issue. I had to take control and talk to the musicians myself. I had come to the conclusion that was the only way it was going to get done. I had to do it. In order to grow I had to put aside social anxiety...but how could I really control that. (Issues with Increase). 

Being an artist instead of a singer apart of  a band put me in a different seat. I realize I had to put together the show. I had to chose the songs and set rehearsal schedule. Leader. I was put in the situation where my vision mattered. Hmmm, I always hated being in a leadership role but that is the role I had to take to get this done. I mean I had been over stuff before...and some how I would get myself out of it. Like being the dance teacher at church... I felt like I was not qualified enough to teach for personal reasons. Excuses. But when it came to music, something I truly wanted to do, I could not just back down. MY MUSIC!!! REHEARSALS!!! It was so uncomfortable at rehearsals...people listening to me and I'm trying share my vision with anxiety on me tight. My dad was apart of the band too...demanding I say what I want. I did not know how to talk to musicians for real. I don't understand the music lango. I may sound stupid. Okay so I had to figure out how I wanted the songs to flow and the arrangement. WHaaT!!!! (Issues with increase). But I had to calm down. I realized it is not just about me. I actually let them know what I heard and envisioned. I had to see myself as the singer apart of the music conversation. The girl with A & D had to go...she couldn't get anything done. Plus the problems I had after the initial show topped all I experienced in the beginning. You guys that show just came together very nicely. It has not been easy but the shows after the initial show had there own set of problems. I kept going and each time...things just came together. Guess what you have to learn how to trust people again.

Being forced out of the comfort zone forces me out of my head and deep into the matters my heart. From that place you are able to share, create, and make things happen. My anxiety and depression is something I can't even reach for sometimes. Yeah when a new increase happens I get anxious, but I calm down and handle it better now. It is important to break through those barriers and keep moving forward. Increases are good. This may not have been a big issue to you, but it was for me. I went through the same issues with putting together this blog.

Your path puts you right in the midst of things you were afraid of. You want to get over anxiety and depression. You say you're ready to heal and do what you were born to do. It never fails, fears you are willing to overcome will take you out of your comfort zone every time. 

We are always tested so we can go to the next level. A successful completion of a test qualifies you for the next level. So I am telling you to be the student always...so you can become an expert life is trying to make you. I am a firm believer in God and his purpose for my life is greater than anything I could imagine. I know my purpose, my passion , my God given talent/work is greater than anxiety and depression.Understand that anxiety and depression is not and never will be your armour. That does not protect you from anything. I had to stop picking it up like it was some type of shield. It was my noose. It is time to cut the rope...I did that. My feet hit the ground and I am not retreating or turning back now. God is using my life to make me an expert at pulling people out of anxiety and depression. They are two strong emotions I know you can work through and overcome.