Anxiety and Depression: Issues with the Increase!!!

Issues with increase are expected, but move beyond that!!! 

You're wondering what issue with increase? When I bring it home, you will understand the point I am making. Okay sisters....when you are a newbie on your path to healing, it is not a walk in the park. You, working with healing in mind, will make certain opportunities flow your way. How you handle these opportunities is life's way of testing you. As a result of your work the test will come and you have the ability to pass that test. I may have lost you or some of you may follow me on this. This increase issue is something I am dealing with now...opportunities are presenting themselves to me. The things happening in my life is a result from the work and seeds I have sewn. But guess what, that old part of me sometime says, this is too hard, I wasn't ready for this, or I would ask, what have I done now. That is what I call issues with increase. Most of the time you will doubt yourself especially when your increase requires more of you.

I know you want a clear example of issues with increase, so here it goes.

Well, my comfort zone was no longer comfortable for me. I knew I wanted more out of life than handling every bad experience with increased anxiety and depression. Pity parties got old. Nothing I did as far as negatively dissecting my life circumstances was good enough to confine me in a box. I simply wanted out!!! I always said Lord, please heal me or take me away if this is how I have to live my life. I remember faith without works is dead. Faith. Well I began to ask myself what it is I use to really enjoy doing. I knew I was passionate about  my music first. I knew I wanted to inspire people dealing with my issues..A & D. I was passionate about being self employed..or working towards that. I wrote out my goals for my income. I wrote dates on when I would want certain projects to be completed. I included my spiritual goals, my shows, online business goals, health goals and etc. Now the work. Well I will share with you my music story.

I have always done things that I really wanted to do. I don't care how much anxiety I had..my mama was going to have me in church choirs and plays. I don't care how depress I was...I wanted to and was going to make rehearsal. So I have always song from a little girl up, jr. high, high school, and college. I was going to sing. If did a play...it must be a musical if my hands are in it. If not a musical I am singing somewhere. Music fueled me in a way I can't explain. That is the only thing I would lay down my issues for. So back to my start in singing professionally. 

Karaoke led me to being offered my first show in April 2013. I tried to get the a band together, I had no experience with that. I left that job to my dad...he is a musician and could get the band together for me. My dad knew what I needed to work on as far as my social skills, so waiting on him to do it meant the band never would come together.  Of course I was mad at my dad. Why? Well it's just easier to blame others sometimes instead of yourself. So another year went by and the desire to do my own shows never left me. Go figure!! I still did not have a band but I knew a great pool of jazz musicians from frequently visiting this spot called 1048. Best live music ever!!!! Whenever I would go to 1048 my dad would pull out his A game. He could care less about my anxiety!! Out loud on the mic in front of everyone, my dad insisted and begged for me to sing. My persistent no was crushed by him say "get your butt up here and sang nah!!" My heart would jump out of my chest...but darn it I would go. Those moments led me to go once or twice a year because I knew the routine. Umm hmm embarrassing me. Those few visits only lasted for a little while. Now a days, I go there at least 2-3 times a month. What singer can pass up singing with an awesome live jazz band. So with previous singing experiences and an undeniable passion for performing, karaoke at the Village Gallery, wasn't hard to get into. And there was no one to demand me to get my butt on stage and sang!!! It's funny how we push A & D aside to do the things we really want to do. As soon I got off stage, anxiety would be waiting on me so it could be worn like a skin tight jacket. So tight you can't even raise your arm. Now back to the band issue. I had to take control and talk to the musicians myself. I had come to the conclusion that was the only way it was going to get done. I had to do it. In order to grow I had to put aside social anxiety...but how could I really control that. (Issues with Increase). 

Being an artist instead of a singer apart of  a band put me in a different seat. I realize I had to put together the show. I had to chose the songs and set rehearsal schedule. Leader. I was put in the situation where my vision mattered. Hmmm, I always hated being in a leadership role but that is the role I had to take to get this done. I mean I had been over stuff before...and some how I would get myself out of it. Like being the dance teacher at church... I felt like I was not qualified enough to teach for personal reasons. Excuses. But when it came to music, something I truly wanted to do, I could not just back down. MY MUSIC!!! REHEARSALS!!! It was so uncomfortable at rehearsals...people listening to me and I'm trying share my vision with anxiety on me tight. My dad was apart of the band too...demanding I say what I want. I did not know how to talk to musicians for real. I don't understand the music lango. I may sound stupid. Okay so I had to figure out how I wanted the songs to flow and the arrangement. WHaaT!!!! (Issues with increase). But I had to calm down. I realized it is not just about me. I actually let them know what I heard and envisioned. I had to see myself as the singer apart of the music conversation. The girl with A & D had to go...she couldn't get anything done. Plus the problems I had after the initial show topped all I experienced in the beginning. You guys that show just came together very nicely. It has not been easy but the shows after the initial show had there own set of problems. I kept going and each time...things just came together. Guess what you have to learn how to trust people again.

Being forced out of the comfort zone forces me out of my head and deep into the matters my heart. From that place you are able to share, create, and make things happen. My anxiety and depression is something I can't even reach for sometimes. Yeah when a new increase happens I get anxious, but I calm down and handle it better now. It is important to break through those barriers and keep moving forward. Increases are good. This may not have been a big issue to you, but it was for me. I went through the same issues with putting together this blog.

Your path puts you right in the midst of things you were afraid of. You want to get over anxiety and depression. You say you're ready to heal and do what you were born to do. It never fails, fears you are willing to overcome will take you out of your comfort zone every time. 

We are always tested so we can go to the next level. A successful completion of a test qualifies you for the next level. So I am telling you to be the student always...so you can become an expert life is trying to make you. I am a firm believer in God and his purpose for my life is greater than anything I could imagine. I know my purpose, my passion , my God given talent/work is greater than anxiety and depression.Understand that anxiety and depression is not and never will be your armour. That does not protect you from anything. I had to stop picking it up like it was some type of shield. It was my noose. It is time to cut the rope...I did that. My feet hit the ground and I am not retreating or turning back now. God is using my life to make me an expert at pulling people out of anxiety and depression. They are two strong emotions I know you can work through and overcome.

Anxiety and Depression: Black Women Get Beyond the Things that Trigger Your A & D!!!

I wonder if you feel like I felt. Tired of trying dealing with feeling anxious about every little thing. You almost can't stand yourself. BELIEVE it or not, that mentality is good..I will explain in a min. The key is knowing yourself...knowing who you were at the time you developed your belief about yourself, be it good or bad. Anxiety and depression is not  fun, it is something that you just have to work through. We are on this journey together, yes you're going to fall sometimes but the work for improvement in your life is worth the challenge. 

I had to get use to talking myself out of anxiety and depression after it was triggered. 

 I would ask myself why and how did I get A & D in the first place. I just want to be able to live my life normally. I just want to live my life without a negative perception of everything. Negativity stopped making sense to me but depression still was my safe place to go to. The fact that I received my degree meant nothing to me. I can see myself in my long black robe and swinging my tassel to left as the President of ASU announce the new graduates for class of 2007. Smiling with my bachelors degree in my hand but in my mind it was so easy to slip back to a time and place that reminded me of my so called permanent flaws. I mean I graduated with a degree. My college years were horrible because anxiety and depression reigns like a being kinged in a chess game.  I would often ask myself, when did I learn how to hold on to such negative perceptions. That is what triggered my A & D. When did it become okay to accept the worst and expect nothing good out of life for me.   

Well some triggers for A & D develop from situations you experienced as a child.

What experiences did you have as a child. Where you teased over your complexion like I was. Maybe you were teased over your weight. Maybe you were bullied. Believe it or not, you start to develop a belief system from those experiences as a child. At first you were fine...but the jokes from a group of people triggered a response from you. Some children would retaliate. They call that "having a comeback." What happens to the child that internalizes the negativity coming at them. You may recall feeling embarrassed, sad, or hurt. The mere fact that you maybe put in that situation again my lead to feelings of anxiety. Now when you see a group as a child...your anxiety is triggered from that alone. That process can get worse...to the point the building, classroom, or environment can trigger the anxiety and depression. We do this to ourselves with or own belief. Yes practice makes perfect and the mind just starts associating everything with a negative experience, therefore triggering your anxiety. Do to your response to a situation your body knows to tense up and you give into anxiety. 

Dealing with D & A is the result of holding on to negative moments from the past.

I have made self debilitating decisions willingly, because of negative feeling or emotions I internalized and nurtured. Some of the negative ways I still respond to situations started from childhood. I still remember the things I would tell myself. Though they were extremely negative...I believed it wholeheartedly. So I have grown to realize I was a child when I first formed beliefs about myself. I have formed and nurtured negative beliefs from experiences I did not process the right way. I was a child when I chose to feel sorry for myself. I did not know I had the power to be positive and believe otherwise. I did not know I had the power to say "So What" and the world would keep right on spinning playing out my life according to my beliefs. We are not old enough to process information as a young child but no matter who is in the wrong. If the adult is mistreating a young impressionable child, how do you think that child will process that experience? A lot of children internalize those negative experiences and come up with a sad conclusion. The child my feel that they are the problem and not the adult. When I was a little girl...I thought my dad did not like me. I felt like he was mean to me or did not care for me much. Let me explain the scenario.

First realize a child is a powerhouse. There imagination is keen. When you were a child, in your silent moments, you were forming with all your heart beliefs about yourself based on the world's perception of you and your understanding of your experiences in life. For example, my dad would be playing the flute when I was a little girl.. He got me a little flute to sooo, I would join him, wanting to learn how to play myself. Not know he is in rehearsal and my noise is a real nuisance. He would with quick anger hush me right on up. The way he hushed me up felt worse than the dark complexion jokes. I would go to my room and close my door. I would began thinking.. My, dad pushing me away...took me to a place where I would think of the things people said to me. I chose to concentrate and play over and over again negative things said and done to me. Each time feeling that sad emotion deep in my heart. So my dad doesn't like me formed to they don't like me. It is funny, but little stuff like that is the foundation of your belief system. A seed is a seed. Once a seed is planted, whether positive or negative, it will grow. It does not matter if your experience is ten times worst than my personal example. A seed is a seed...with the right ingredients, it will grow and what your nurturing will have roots!!!

So, yes tell yourself, a child will stay in a child place...and so will the negative beliefs you developed as a child. Know these beliefs, and the foundation of these have no right, no business helping you shape your decisions in your adult world. I challenge you to become a brain surgeon. Pick your own brain and cast down what Satan has tried to build upon in you; starting from when you were a child. This downward cycle is not one you will continue on. Why, because you are tired of this routine. That my dear is a good thing, grow tired enough to change. Break down those walls you formed as a child. You were a child, an infant not an expert in life, when you form beliefs based on negative perceptions. Like the cliche' says, "when you know better you do better." Peace and Blessings.